25th September 2011 - 39 weeks

Thought I'd best make an effort to post on time this week! Am officially 39 weeks today, feeling a little cumbersome. Heard that there is going to be a heatwave over the next two weeks so am a little concerned at how I will cope with this! Running out of things to wear and was quite glad that the weather was getting cooler so I could wear some of my winter tunic tops - great for bump coverage!

I feel like I'm not thinking enough about the baby arriving. I find myself wasting time on the internet, then doing stuff for work (!), and making lists, and more lists - but I need to focus on the BIG event that is going to wallop me around the head any moment now.

Blimey am I going to have a shock to the system! Feeling frustrated not being able to jump up and do things either due to my pelvic pain or lack of energy - but I guess that's where most women find themselves at this stage. Haven't reached the point where I want him out yet, I'm quite happy for another week or two - although I am getting a litte concerned about how big he will be! He has really grown in the past two weeks - I've gone from looking fatter to looking very pregnant all of a sudden. It's nice to finally feel almost normal, even if it's still in an abnormal way - if that makes sense?

Running out of steam now so will cut this blog short - as usual - who knows whether I will be blogging this time next week - to be continued . . .

Here are my measurements for the week -

Bust - 53.5 inches (+1)

Waist - 53.5 inches (+1.5)

Hips - 57.5 inches (+2.5)

Weight - +1kg 

Symptoms

• emotional (more than usual!)
• periods of extreme tiredness
• sometimes feeling clammy and hot
• leg cramps
• strong twinges and painful aching in my pelvic area - especially around the pubic bone
• heartburn at night if I eat too late

And now for the weekly shots -

39 weeks plan view

39 weeks side view

5th September 2011 - 36 weeks

I am now officially a lady of leisure. Last day at work on Friday. Was a little bit of an anti-climax in some ways, but it was also quite stressful and I'm sure I've left some kind of chaos behind, but there has to be a cut off date, and Friday was that day!

Also had out first NCT class on Sunday. Six hours of learning about positions during labour, the last stages of pregnancy, signs of labour, problems and choices. I chose to go to these rather than the free ones as I had heard they were more thorough and as people were paying to go there they would be more involved. My sister says it's ante natal for posh people, and maybe she's right as everyone seemed quite middle class, but I found it really useful - if not a bit scary thinking it would be me soon! We have our second 6 hour class on Friday, then I think I have a breastfeeding session next week.

On Wednesday I will be having what may well be my last scan - a 36 week growth scan. I'm wondering still if Bumpy is in a breech position as the Midwife was unable to tell (podge related issue I think!). I think a strange part of me is hoping he is, and that I will have to have a caesarian. Crazy, I know as this isn't the easy option, but I think it's my fear of labour that's making me feel this way. I've been suffering more this week with my self diagnosed SPD. Had several really bad nights sleep, terrible aching in my hips then sharp pain in my pubic bone every time I tried to reposition myself. Walking has also become uncomfortable and painful at times - especially on the left hand side of my pelvis. This pain has made me question my tolerance levels - I really worry I may be a complete wimp and unable to bear the pain of labour and childbirth. Not a rare fear though of course!!!

But then on the other hand I know I would be really proud of myself for doing it, and don't want to imagine it as some kind of hellish task - I'm bringing life into the world - my first child, my son. It should be a magical and wonderful (albeit painful) experience. Maybe if I follow Ina May Gaskins advice and imagine myself as a hollow tube, relax my face, make mooing noises etc I will be alright - it's that simple isn't it?!

Ha! I'm such a chicken!! Anywho, as a lady of leisure I have lined up a long lists of tasks for myself so must go!

Here are my measurements for the week -

Bust - 52 inches (-0.5)

Waist - 54.5 inches (+1.5)

Hips - 58 inches (+1)

Weight - -0.7kg 

Symptoms

• new stretch marks appearing around my waist.
• brittle nails and dry skin
• constipation (yay!)
• strong twinges and painful aching in my pelvic area - especially around the pubic bone
• heartburn at night if I eat too late

And now for the weekly shots -

36 weeks side view

36 weeks plan view

12th June 2011 - 24 weeks

Well I didn't get round to blogging last Sunday. Dad passed away that morning. He went downhill so very fast. He was taken into the Hospice on Wednesday, his morphine was trebled and he slowly drifted away from us. Still in some kind of shock I guess. Although in some way we had already started to grieve for him before he died, but we could still talk to him, still hold his warm hands, still kiss him. Now we can't.

It's so painful knowing he is no longer with us, and I don't know what happens to us when we die. I'd like to think that in some way we live on but at the moment all I feel is emptiness.

My husband and I told Dad the baby's name on Wednesday - he said he liked it. It was probably the last conversation we had with him as he became so weak and sleepy. I needed him to know his name, but worried that Dad would know he was near the end when we told him. But I'm sure he knew anyway. My Dad was so loud and had such presence, it's weird thinking that no longer exists.

A few years ago I gave him a pocket watch, which he loved. I asked Mum if I could have this back so I could give to my son. Dad would have wanted that. The funeral is next Thursday. Just hope I have the strength to get through it. The worst feeling at the moment is worrying about my Mum. Her and Dad spent all of their time together. She relied on him for so much. She doesn't know what to live for now and it seems as if my sister children or my new baby are not enough for her.

I want to look after her and keep her as happy and stress free as possible, at least until the first raw weeks are over. But it's hard as she is feeling so low and doesn't always consider how my sister and I are feeling too. But Dad would be so worried about her and would want us to take care of her. The poor bump has been severely overlooked the past few weeks, but his increasing kicks and nudges serve to remind me of his presence.

I need to make sure he is ok too, I worry that all my stress will affect him. I've been trying to eat normally too and keep up with the vitamins etc. But don't feel like I have much of a routine at the moment. The nursery is looking good, the new wardrobes are fantastic and the whole room has a really lovely feel to it. The pram (Quinny Buzz 3 Natural Mavis) arrived on Friday, I ignored superstition and brought it into the house for the hubby to put together. It is such a lovely looking pram. The cot has been ordered too - not sure if I mentioned this already. Forgive me if I am repeating myself. Can't say I'm feeling as on the ball as usual.

Anyway, trying to get some normality back into my life at the moment so have made myself blog tonight-

Here are my measurements for the week -

Bust - 51.5 inches (no change)

Waist - 50.5 inches (+ 1)

Hips - 57 inches (no change)

Weight - +0.1kg

Symptoms

• back spasm when I sit or lay down for too long
• leg cramps during the night
• still gagging in the morning when I clean my teeth or cough!

And now for the weekly shots - 

24 weeks side view

24 weeks plan view

22nd May 2011 - 21 weeks

So after the hardest week of my life so far I am left feeling exhausted and fearful of how much harder things will become. Dad seems to be going downhill rapidly, we leave him some days wondering if this will be his last. It's so surreal as only 10 days ago he was himself, and now he is a weak, fragile, confused man, losing his pride, dignity and love of life.

There's no hope of a cure, we don't even know yet whether they will give him chemo. I know it's so easy t knock the NHS even though there are so many dedicated staff, but the system is appalling, chaotic and slow. There's no time for caring, or making people comfortable, important things are lost and forgotten. Results take forever and people can be left in pain for hours unnoticed. Disgraceful. If it wasn't for my Mum and my sister seeing him twice a day then I can only imagine how much worse it would be for him.

Everything else in my life has been put on hold, but the little boy in my tummy continues to grow, oblivious (hopefully) of the turmoil. I am trying to be strong for him and keep eating and drinking enough. I've certainly been getting some good exercise this week, which is good for both of us. He's really grown this week too, and I actually feel like I have a proper bump - even if it is hidden in my podge still when I sit up.

I have another scan this Thursday to get a better view of things. God I hope everything is ok, I wouldn't be able to cope with anything else at the moment.

Here are my measurements for the week -

Bust - 52 inches (+0.5)

Waist - 50 inches (+0.5)

Hips - 56 inches (no change)

Weight - +0.6kg

Symptoms

• constipation
• back ache
• aches very low down
• leg cramps

And now for the weekly shots - 

21 weeks plan view

21 weeks side view

8th May 2011 - 19 weeks

The biggest joy of pregnancy this week has had to be the c word - constipation!! Please excuse the toilet talk but having read previously how this can be an issue I have now discovered it for myself. To be honest I'm not the most dynamic person in the bowel area but this has always been easily remedied with extra fluids. But even with the extra fluids, lots of fruit and high fibre diet I'm still getting bunged up.

I had already bought some Fybogel in readiness and had to use two sachets this week. I may have to see if there is anything else I can do thats safe for the baby as I found the whole ordeal very stressful!

I've had a lot of backache this week and find myself feeling very uncomfortable in bed. I'm now on my fourth pillow configuration, I've tried a specialist memory foam maternity pillow - too heavy, a memory foam head pillow - wrong shape, a large throw cushion - too thick and hot and now I am onto my own creation of a cuddle cushion - or sleep sausage as I like to call it! All it is, is a single duvet (with cover) rolled up and kept in place in several places with ribbon - not very sophisticated but it means I can wrap my leg over it, cuddle it and not squash my tummy all at the same time. It's also light enough so I can hold onto it when I change sides. Although I'm really trying not to sleep on my right side as this really aggravates my right hip.

I worry that I may never have a decent nights sleep again as the discomfort will only worsen and once the baby arrives I'm sure the nights will never be peaceful again! I'm feeling sorry for myself - can you tell?

Three days now until my "20 week" scan. Really need to see the baby and to make things as little more real again. I'm worrying at the moment that I can't feel them move enough - but the subtle fluttery bubbling feeling I have is so subtle I'm still not 100% sure that it is the baby I am feeling. I'm hoping too that we can get a definite answer on whether this is a girl or a boy. I really need to know. Once I can put a name to the bump (or should I say bulge) then I can start to come to terms with the reality of being someones mum!

Here are my measurements for the week -

Bust - 51 inches (-0.5)

Waist - 48.5 inches (no change)

Hips - 56 inches (no change)

Weight - +0.4kg

Hoping this isn't the start of the weight gain!! But still don't look any different!! All that's happening is my top podge is getting a little bigger and firmer as my internal organs are being squished up - but Bumpy (now to be know as Bulgey) is still nestled in my podge!! Come out and give a proper round bump!!

Symptoms

• severe constipation
• back ache
• crazy dreams
• worrying

And now for the weekly shots - 

19 weeks side view

19 weeks plan view

17th April 2011 - 16 weeks

Wow - 16 weeks!! How did that happen!! I've got a feeling time is going to really fly by now! Another non-eventful week, feeling good generally. Noticing how my emerging bump (still hidden in the flubber for now) is changing how I move - especially bending over, which I can still do of course but now I feel a restriction on how far and how quickly!

I've had a couple of dizzy spells, mostly after rushing around. These pass pretty quickly, but I guess it's a reminder of how I need to be more aware of what I am doing. But on the whole I'm feeling good, fewer headaches, less queasiness and a general more positive outlook. Started thinking about my maternity wardrobe - not an easy thing if you are over a certain size! You are restricted pretty much to looking online, to places like Simply Be, Bon Prix, Fashion World and eBay. Amazingly Evans do not run a maternity line anymore so it can be a slightly depressing experience trying to find clothes that fit and flatter!

As most of my pregnancy time will be during the warmer weather my staple wardrobe will consist of empire line, cotton summer dresses in a variety of colours with little shrugs and sandals. Due to the recent sunny spell I've been able to practise this look already and find it makes me feel much more feminine and comfortable. I will probably be able to wear most of my old summer dresses during the pregnancy as they have room to grow, but I've also bought a few dresses in a size up for when I'm huge, which I'm sure won't be that far away. I also believe that this style of dress will help make my B bump look more like a D bump!

It is a shame that us larger girls have so little choice when it comes to plus size maternity wear - the only specific maternity wear I have bought so far a leggings from Simply Be and a couple pairs of jeans from eBay. The small ranges that do exist online are often very limited in style and very much vere on the safer side of fashion - if only I knew how to make my own clothes! I even emailed Evans to tell them that they really need to consider a maternity range - and a range not solely consisting of legging, work trousers and humorous t-shirts! Not heard back from them though . . .

Want to get my creative juices flowing in another way soon - once I find out the sex of Bumpy on the 11th May I will try making some clothes, a mobile and bumpers for the cot. It's been a while since I did some proper sewing, if I make anything half decent I'll post photos on here!

Been thinking alot about the Nursery, determined not to follow tradition and will avoid pastels at all costs!! My house is very modern and I love the scandinavian look with simple white furniture, bold wall colours and quirky colourful textiles - here are a couple of rooms I am using as my inspiration (apologies for not linking back to the original sites - I have these in an ideas folder on my desktop and have lost track of the original sources.

Loving the grey walls - never would have thought it could look so good - works so well with the white and splashes of colour!

Oh almost forgot - have my 16 week appointment with my midwife on Tuesday - must remember my little wee bottle ! :0)

Here are my measurements for this week -

Bust  - 51.5 inches (no change)

Waist - 48.5 inches (no change)

Hips - 55 (-1)

Weight - -0.3g

So I've lost weight again this week - amazing considering my friend made us a giant dish of cheese and sour cream covered nachos followed by cream cakes on Friday! Don't feel like I have been eating less than usual.

Symptoms

• same as last week really just with extra dizziness!

And finally the weekly shots (still don't look any different!) -

16 weeks plan view

16 weeks side view

10th April 2011 - 15 weeks

A slightly less eventful week than previous - thank god! Now that everyone knows I am feeling a little more self conscious - especially at work where I feel I am the focus of attention. Even choosing what to wear in the mornings has become trickier as I don't want to suddenly start dressing like a pregnant woman, but it's been so hot this week I've had to crack open my summer wardrobe which involves empire line dresses which even in my non-pregnant days looked a little like maternity wear.

Still no visible bump, my lower tummy is sticking out a tiny bit and my top tummy feels a little firmer. My hubby says I look different but I think you will see from my weekly shots that I still look like I've always looked. Really hope that my B bump turns into a D bump at some point soon. Every morning I love being able to clearly feel the shape of the ever growing uterus pushed up by my bladder.

Went to see a midwife for a healthy eating appointment also during the week. Thought I might get lectured, but after a lovely chat the midwife said - well you look very healthy to me and your weight isn't a concern to me, just avoid putting on too much and don't each the same portions as your husband (my main issue I think as otherwise we eat really well). Am really keen not to gain more than a stone - hence keeping a close check every week - which is realistic. If I do put on more then I will just have to work harder after to get it off, but if I limit myself then I'm not going to feel any more cumbersome than I need to!

Have taken to talking to "Bumpy" a lot more, teaching them already about the outside world, singing to him in the shower apologising in advance for my lack of parenting know-how! Like I said last week the cloud of fear and negativity has lifted, not that I'm not still a little apprehensive, but now it is balanced with excitement and love. Went to look at push chairs today. Have been looking online but that really doesn't help, so we went to a large Mothercare store to see what they had. The hubby liked the Bugaboo Cameleon, which I took an instant dislike to once I saw the cot attachment - it just looked too boxy, and the colour choices weren't great either. After an early love affair with the ridiculously expensive Stokke Xplory I realised I also liked the slightly more affordable Quinny Buzz 3. The assistant showed us how to attach all the bits, took it for a test drive and tried folding it down. Loved the fact it raises itself up hydraulically and the colour choices were nice also.

Hubby wants to buy a second hand one as he says that we buy second hand cars, so why not a buggy, but apart from the cost saving I just don't like the idea of putting our new little person in someone else's grime - maybe I'm being irrational, but I think babies should be surrounded in newness and soft clean things!

Lets see who wins the argument!

Here are my measurements for this week -

Bust  - 51.6 inches (+0.5)

Waist - 48.5 inches (-0.5)

Hips - 56 (-0.5)

Weight - -2.8g

So weirdly after my big increase in weight last week I am now lighter than I have been all year - trying to figure out why, the scales are right as the hubby weighs himself at the gym and home and they always tally up. And I always weigh myself after going to the loo every Sunday morning. Maybe it's water retention, like I said it's been hot this week and I've probably not been drinking enough.

Symptoms

• Still feeling sick if I eat or drink too quickly in the mornings
• Flipping around alot in the night, trying to sleep on my sides but have been getting a little more hip pain.
• Have also noticed that I've had more hiccups than usual.
• Very runny nose and sneezing - so could be hayfever - not sure.
• Still quite tired and have had to go to bed early a few nights this week.

And finally the weekly shots -

15 weeks side view

15 weeks plan view

3rd April 2011 - 14 weeks

Well good news - everything looked ok. Had the scan first thing Monday and heard baby's heartbeat straight away. The sonographer couldn't see any reason for the bleeding. Also - the scan didn't hurt, despite a very full bladder! The baby was in a funny position with it's head tucked down, and it was even using my placenta as a pillow!

I guess I knew deep down it would be ok, maybe a mothers intuition - but to have it confirmed was a big relief. Then on Wednesday I had my NT scan. Which also didn't hurt, although where my skin is badly damaged by old stretch marks at the very bottom it did feel sore afterwards from the pulling. At the end they even let a trainee have a go and she managed to get some good pictures - here's my favourite -

After the scan I then had a blood test then my blood pressure taken. I then had to wait to see the consultant. I saw a lovely Doctor who studied my medical history and seemed quite concerned about my Pulmonary Embolism five years ago - so it was decided that I would need to inject myself with Fragmin every day up until 6 weeks after the baby is born. I wasn't overly surprised by this and I had been concerned myself considering the extra risks involved - so in a way it's kind of peace of mind. The injections aren't too tricky either, they sting a little, but are much easier than the Clexane injections I had to take when flying. 

So the next day the hubby and I went into work (we work at the same place) and told the bosses! My boss the MD was a little freaked out - he relies on me too much, and also uses me as an emotional crutch some times when times are tough. I've been there 11 years now and despite getting married last year my boss was in denial that I would ever want kids as he thought my career was too important to me. My career is important, but not at the cost of my life as a whole. He will get used to this, but I just hope now that I still have a worth at the company - I now have the fabulous job of advertising and interviewing for my maternity cover! 

Then of course we let everyone else know - colleagues and the obligatory facebook announcement - which I was dreading as I worried that I wouldn't get many comments but it went crazy and everyone I hoped would comment did - with a few extras thrown in as a bonus. I've been feeling more positive about things recently too - I think the first part of my pregnancy I've been either in denial or dare I say it regret. But I'm blaming my hormones now as every morning I rub my growing bump (still small in comparison to my existing belly) and smile. I think I'm getting used to the idea of having a baby now - maybe it's taken me a little longer than most, but it's starting to sink in. I've even been planning the nursery - something a few weeks ago I had no interest in. I guess I'm not a natural mother, and worry that my life will change for the worse, but I have to remind myself of how I would feel if I had just carried on as normal, my life would have been more financially secure, my house tidier, my marriage emptier. God I sound so depressing! This is coming out all wrong - this little miracle was completely planned and wished for - but I guess a big part of me never believed it would actually happen - it only happened to other people - adults! I still feel like a 13 year old half the time!

Hmm  - on that note lets tie this us and get on with the stats!

Here are my measurements for this week -

Bust  - 51 inches (-0.5)

Waist - 49 inches (no change)

Hips - 56.5 (no change)

Weight - +2.3g

Not happy about the weight gain - that's 5 pounds in a week! A week having granola for breakfast and cous cous for lunch! The week before I had three cheese baguettes and cakes at work for three people birthdays! Maybe my scales are on the blink as my measurements are pretty much the same - hmm . . . 

Symptoms

• the bump feels so much more real this week - and is starting to be noticeable when I'm dressed too. Still small in comparison to the rest of me but it has potential!!
• headaches have gone, I'm feeling more energetic and positive and generally better all around
• Still have a little queasiness, and can feel dizzy if I overdo things

And finally the weekly shots -

14 weeks side view

14 weeks plan view (+ cat)

27th March 2011 - 13 weeks

So, what a long week! Scan day on Tuesday, which didn't exactly go to plan. I had been really anxious about having the scan, mostly for vanity reasons - my tummy is very flabby and covered in old stretch marks from puberty. Basically it's not a pretty sight and the idea of a stranger squishing it around filled me with dread.

On arrival at the clinic in my local hospital I found the whole system confusing - having to check in at on place, then another, and sitting in three different waiting areas. On top of that I had missed part of a form in my blue book which required my signature - the lady dealing with me was not impressed and made me feel like an idiot. So I was holding back the tears waiting outside the room. I was with the hubby who was a bit bemused by my reaction as he was just excited to see the baby of course. By the time it was my turn I was led into the room to be introduced to the back of the sonographer, who didn't even bother to turn around and say hello. It was a man, which added to my anxiety.

Once on the bed the angry lady (not sure if she was a nurse) told me off again for not pulling my leggings down far enough at the back - why did they need to be half way down my bottom?! More embarrassment. Then the sonographer walked around the curtain and began. It didn't take long, after a minute of very painful jabs with the scanner and alot of discomfort we had seen fleeting images of the baby - so much bigger than our earlier scan, much more babylike. He/she even did a little wriggle, but this magical moment was cut short when the sonographer decided the image wasn't clear enough, possibly because I hadn't drunk enough water and that I need to come back next week.

He also said that I may need a TV scan but he didn't have time to do one as other patients had arrived late. He did manage to date me - my due date has now moved to September 29th. I expected it to be tricky to see things so I wasn't overly surprised, but I did get the feeling that he didn't really try very hard and my weight was a good reason to cut the appointment short so he could get back on schedule. Might be wrong, but I generally left feeling quite traumatised by the whole experience, and a little emotional.

So now I have to go back next Wednesday as I have an appointment with a consultant so they have booked my scan for just before that. But since this all happened there have been further developments. I woke up early Friday morning, not really feeling any different than I usually do and of course needed to visit the loo, but I discovered that I was spotting. The first wipe was light pink, I called out to my husband who woke up with a jolt. It felt surreal. I had no pain, and the spotting was very light, but I checked out my books to see what to do. After getting washed and dressed I checked again and it was now a brown discharge, which reassured me - I don't know why, just seemed less scary than pink blood.

After an hour of trying I finally got through to the Midwives call centre and was told by the lady who answered the phone that my Midwife was on call and even so she wouldn't be able to help, so I needed to see my GP. Luckily I managed to get an appointment for that afternoon. I was feeling quite calm strangely enough, telling myself that this was very common, the bleeding had stopped and I had no pain, so there was nothing to panic about. I saw a junior doctor (I never seem to see the same doctor twice at my surgery!), but she was very lovely, read all of my notes thoroughly and really tried to allay my fears. After taking my pulse and blood pressure she then felt my tummy and told me that she wasn't worrying, so I needn't but to be on the safe side I should have a scan as soon as possible.

She arranged the scan for first thing Monday morning, so now I just have to wait. I've not had any bleeding since Friday and feel ok. I wonder whether if something was wrong would I be able to tell? Then I worry that I'm not worrying enough! I just need to see their heart beating, then I can relax. Fingers crossed.

Here are my measurements for this week -

Bust  - 51.5 inches (no change)

Waist - 49 inches (-.05)

Hips - 56.5 (+0.5)

Weight - -1.2kg

Surprised I have lost weight, as apart from being sick in the morning (when there's nothing to bring up) I've kept most things down. I've even had three cheese baguettes for lunch this week - which are more than I normally have.

Symptoms

• Sickness - in the morning mostly
• My boobs have felt bigger and more sensitive this week (so am surprised they haven't grown)
• Waist is changing shape, and my top tyre feels bigger also.

And finally the weekly shots -

13 weeks plan view

13 weeks side view