14th August 2011 - 33 Weeks

Another week missed - sorry! Had my Mum, Nephew and Niece over to stay last weekend so my Sunday morning routine of photographing, measuring and weighing went out of the window again!

So - the past two weeks . . . Bumpy has been making his presence felt ever more lately. Just as I type this he has booted me in the side! I've felt heavier and less mobile. I think I look bigger too. Just noticed tonight that I have the start of a fresh stretchmark around my waist. This is where the skin is tightest - but as before it is still a waistline - the round bump hasn't magically appeared! Now on the subject of stretchmarks - I have loads already. On my tummy, sides, base of my back, tops my arms and my boobs. I go to great lengths to hide them and although most are very faded now they are still upsetting to me. I'm not overly bothered about getting new ones - not like most new mums are that maybe have never experienced stretchmarks before. But still I am covering myself in cocoa butter on a regular basis to minimise the effects.

Only three weeks left at work, this makes it all seem so much more real now. I'm not sure if I will then get four weeks before he arrives as I am thinking he may be early. So I do need to get prepared and pack my hospital bags and wash his clothes! I've been procrastinating about this lately, but I have been so busy at work and in my spare time so when I do get an evening to myself I just flake out of the sofa!

Saw my midwife last Tuesday. Everything was ok. She had a feel of my tummy but couldn't work out where the head was. It was a little embarrassing as I know my bottom podge was the reason why, it doesn't help as her examination table is really short and I have to bend my knees, so with being on a slope all my podge ends up at the bottom and she had to lift it (eurghh!) to use the heartbeat amplifier! The shame - but I'm sure the indignity will just continue when I'm in hospital! Personally I still think he is in the breach position as most kicks seem to be down below. But as I'm having another scan in three weeks we will know a little more then. I wonder if they will recommend a c-section if he is breach - as they did this for my sister. Not sure how I feel about this. In some ways I would be relieved as I know I will be a wimp when it comes to the pain, but of course I am in no way disillusioned in thinking that a c-section is an easier alternative - and the idea of recovering from major surgery with a newborn baby in tow is not an appealing one!

Here are my measurements for the week -

Bust - 52.5 inches (no change)

Waist - 51.5 inches (no change)

Hips - 55.5 inches (-1 inch)

Weight - +0.5kg 

My waist has definitely grown although the measurements don't back this up - what I think has happened is that it's just changed shape. I almost feel like my waist looks smaller from the front - but if you look at the plan view you can see how Bumpy is sticking our front now.
Weightwise - I'll be interested to see how my weight goes over the next few weeks and if I will end up lighter than I started after giving birth. Still not making an issue of it and am eating normally, but probably a little naughtier than usual as a few biscuits and chocolate buttons have sneaked their way into the shopping lately!

Symptoms

• leg cramps at night - getting worse if I sit with my legs up for too long
• increasingly vivid and weird dreams
• Periods of extreme tiredness
• more heartburn - but still irregular
• twinges and painful aching in my pelvic area - especially around the pubic bone
• increased discharge down below
• headaches in the morning

And now for the weekly shots -

33 weeks pregnant side view

33 weeks pregnant plan view

31st July 2011 - 31 weeks

Sorry for the missing post last week, we ended up doing a boot fair and just didn't have any spare time at all (or energy) for photos and blogging.

This weekend has been just as hectic, as it was our friends wedding on Friday which has left me feeling exhausted. I was the designated driver as I wouldn't be drinking of course, but after all day on my feet and even a little dancing (which felt weird with a baby in my wobbly tummy), I felt pretty tired and my poor legs were cramping terribly.

I struggled knowing what to wear too, I wanted people to be able to see that I was pregnant, but knew I wouldn't be able to find a proper maternity dress that I liked, or that existed in my size! So I luckily had a pretty summer dress that I had bought a couple years ago that I had never worn as it was too big around the bust. Luckily it fitted over my bulge and even flared off nicely, hiding the bottom of my B bump! After a bit of sewing the top was amended and I had a dress I could wear. I still don't know if I looked pregnant to people that didn't know me.

One of the bridesmaids was due in 3 weeks and she had the most amazing bump, no mistaking at all that she was pregnant. She sat on the same table as me and the waitresses knew not to offer her alcohol, but I was offered it every time, a small thing I know, but it made me feel a little sorry for myself. Measured myself today and my measurements haven't changed since 2 weeks ago. I saw my midwife last week and she told me about another lady who just gave birth who was a similar size to me and also had what she referred to as a tight band around her middle preventing her from having a round bump. She said that I probably wouldn't get a proper bump too.

I know I always whinge about this and I know that this probably sounds trivial to most people but I really looked forward to having a bump, and not having one at this stage, and probably never having one makes me feel sad. There is also the embarrassment of people not realising I'm pregnant. Today I met a friend of my sisters who is due 4 days after me and she had a huge round bump. I stood right in front of her and felt like apologising for mine and said that mine was still mostly podge and hers was amazing. Even looking back over photos of me from 8 weeks pregnant I can hardly see any difference. All my friends say that I'm lucky, but I just feel cheated out of the whole experience now and just want it over with now so I now longer have this feeling of disappointment and embarrassment.

Maybe it is the hormones making me overreact. Not sure. If I continue to stay around the same weight I guess it must mean that I've lost weight, so it will be a nice bonus when Bumpy arrives, which won't be long now. Getting more excited about meeting him and seeing what he looks like. I think it may take me some time to adjust as I still have mixed feelings about becoming a parent. I don't know if I'll be any good at it, and worry that I will regret the life I used to have. Unfortunately, as mentioned in my previous  posts poor Bumpy's arrival has been at the most traumatic time in my life ever and I do worry about him being associated with all the negative emotions. I'm sure his arrival will be a welcome injection of positive emotion, just what we all need right now.

Still struggling with coming to terms with losing Dad, I think in a way it's harder now that it was before as Mum is finding it harder too, which hurts so, so much. I have found the whole process completely draining and can't help wishing that it would all go away, but of course that's not an option.

Too late now to go into all of that again - so ...

Here are my measurements for the week -

Bust - 52.5 inches (no change)

Waist - 51.5 inches (no change)

Hips - 56.5 inches (no change)

Weight - -0.1kg 

Symptoms

• leg cramps during the night
• sharp pain in the night if I try and flip over too quickly
• Periods of extreme tiredness
• more heartburn now
• shorter of breath than normal
• very achey hips and pelvic area

And now for the weekly shots - 

31 weeks plan view

31 weeks side view

17th July 2011 - 29 weeks

Ok, first off - had my GTT test, started at 4.7 then was 5.8 after 2 hours - so all ok. Plus my iron levels were good too - so no worries there. Then on Wednesday I had my 28 week scan. Again everything for normal, a big relief as I was quite worried about his growth. Even more so after sitting in a room with other 28 week pregnant ladies whose bumps seem to be much bigger than mine. But I think I've decided that due to my shape and size originally and that I think I've lost a little weight (discounting the baby weight) then I'm not showing as much as I should be. But that said, I can see this all changing dramatically over the next few weeks as my waistline - the valley between my top and bottom bumps  - is growing and will hopefully pop out over the next few weeks to give me a proper bump. But if it doesn't, then it doesn't. There's not much I can do about it, apart from choosing what I wear.

But  I do want to be normal, and to not have to explain to people that I am pregnant, it's embarrassing having to explain it to people still. Only 6 weeks left at work now, it will be hard for me to leave my department behind for so many months, I do worry that things will change, things that I won't like. But I can't have it all can I? My boss has asked me to work on some projects whilst I am off, which is nice, but how will this work in reality? Hard to know until he arrives and I know how much else I can cope with!

Feeling the urge to understand more of the finer details about having and looking after a baby, I know you can read and read and read, but will never know everything - or that other people can't always teach you what's right for you and your baby and you have to trust your instincts. Will be making many a list though to make sure I've bought all of the essentials and packed all the right things to take to the hospital - yes that's on my mind every day now - the hospital!! That day is fast approaching and the main thing I need to do now is to get my head around the fact that I'm actually going to have a baby coming out of my nether regions soon!

Tired now so will stop blethering on -

Here are my measurements for the week -

Bust - 52.5 inches (-0.5)

Waist - 51.5 inches (-0.5)

Hips - 56.5 inches (-0.5)

Weight - -2.1kg 

Symptoms

• leg cramps during the night
• sharp pain in the night if I try and flip over too quickly
• Periods of extreme tiredness
• little bit of heartburn
• shorter of breath than normal

And now for the weekly shots - 

29 weeks plan view

29 weeks side view

10th July 2011 - 28 weeks

So I'm at the start of my Third trimester. The home stretch. Feeling under-prepared for bringing a baby into the house. Not that I don't have much of the stuff, it's just the practical side like feeding and sleeping patterns I worry about. I need to read some more to put my mind at rest.

Reading my last post was quite depressing. You'll be glad to hear that I'm feeling a lot brighter today. I had a few terrible days last week where I just couldn't lift myself out of the self pity and excessive crying. I know it's still early days so no wonder I'm up and down a lot. After saying how that physically I felt normal I found myself exhausted several times last week. Two or three nights I just laid on the sofa, not achieving much. Which I really hate as I have so much to do at the moment.

I have my Glucose Tolerance test tomorrow - so no food after 10pm tonight. My sister has had to have these so I kind of know what to expect. I'm more concerned about the growth scan on Wednesday as I am quite convinced now that the baby isn't growing enough. This is based on the fact that my tummy hasn't expanded much. There is an increase to my waist this month but overall I've only added about 4 inches since the start - is this normal? My mum told me several times over the weekend that I don't look 6 months pregnant. I haven't mentioned to anyone that I'm worried about the baby's growth, I just laugh off the fact that he is hiding in my podge. My top podge continues to expand above all else making it really hard to find clothes to wear that don't make me look too oddly shaped. I have a friends wedding to go to soon, god knows what I'm going to wear!

I finished the fitted sheets for the cot today - here's a photo of one of them on -

It's nice to add a bit of colour back into the room, as it is quite monochrome. And it's nice that the colours are to my taste - and not the bland palette of creams and pastels that the high street offer! I'll put more photos on soon as I get more organised.

Here are my measurements for the week -

Bust - 53 inches (-0.5)

Waist - 52 inches (+1.5)

Hips - 57 inches (no change)

Weight - +2.5kg (eek!!)

Symptoms

• leg cramps during the night
• sharp pain in the night if I try and flip over too quickly
• still gagging in the morning and bringing up a lot of phlegm (TMI)
• Periods of extreme tiredness

And now for the weekly shots - 

28 weeks plan view

28 weeks side view

3rd July 2011 - 27 weeks

Next week I think I am technically into my third trimester. So this makes this my last week of my second. People keep asking me if I feel extra tired, or if the heat is getting to me. But I don't feel too different to how I normally feel. I haven't been sleeping very well for quite a while now, and that's bound to make anyone feel tired. What with everything that has happened recently I guess it's no surprise.

It's four weeks today since Dad died. Feels longer in some ways. Some days I feel so desperately distraught and pained by him not being here any more. I feel guilty if I temporarily forget, this has happened a few times at work, the worst place to get upset. People don't really know what to say to me. And those who have never lost anyone probably think I must be over it by now. I want the world to stop and mourn for my Dad, but it won't and I can't.

My whole life is so different now. It was overwhelming enough preparing for having a baby, but to lose my dad before he's even had the chance to see my son has torn my world apart. I worry that I will associate the baby with loss and sadness. If I'm totally honest I'm still struggling to come to terms with him being a boy as I had dreamt of having a girl and can't imagine what its like to look after a boy. I'm finding it really hard to get excited about the baby. It still doesn't seem real, even when I can feel him kicking, which is a lot now. I worry that I may have some sort of prenatal depression. Or maybe I'm just a bad person? I don't know what to think - I can't talk to anyone about this as they'll think badly of me - as I would too. How can anyone not be excited about their first baby? A baby that was planned?!

Maybe it's hormones on top of my grief. It doesn't help that the day I found out he was a boy was the day Dad was rushed to hospital and I realised he was really ill. I need to separate the two. I can't associate my little boy with the tragedy. I need to see it as the positive event that it is.

Back to the subject of this blog - being Pregnant and Plus Size. I still don't look pregnant. I just look fatter. I'm trying to dress to look pregnant, but it's tricky as I have such an obvious B shaped belly. Pregnant women aren't supposed to have a waist - but I do. I can't ever see my stomach turning into a bump - one thing I was really looking forward to. I also worry that the baby might not be growing enough as my weight is staying around the same and I haven't increased a lot in inches. When I look at photos online of other women at the same stage as me they have massive bumps. Even with my bump hiding in my flubber it's nowhere near as large. I have my 28 week scan next week - so hope this puts my mind at rest.

The cot bed arrives tomorrow - hopefully. This will help make the baby's room look like a proper nursery. I have lots of fabric now to make things with so this should help get me into the baby mindset. Will post more photos soon.

Here are my measurements for the week -

Bust - 53.5 inches (+0.5)

Waist - 50.5 inches (+0.5)

Hips - 57 inches (no change)

Weight - +0.5kg

Symptoms

• same as last week - 
• back ache
• leg cramps during the night
• sharp pain in the night if I try and flip over too quickly
• still gagging in the morning and bringing up a lot of phlegm (TMI)

And now for the weekly shots - 

27 weeks side view

27 weeks plan view

26th June 2011 - 26 weeks

We gave Dad a good send off. It was a humanist cremation. He had a beautiful bamboo coffin and the grandchildren "bought" him a beautiful spray of all his favourite things for the top. Gunnera leaves, phormiums, thistles, grasses and all topped off by golden delicious apples. His favourite - he would eat as many of these as Mum would let him. Unfortunately the old adage of "an apple a day . . ." didn't really help Dad in the end - but he loved them anyway.

I went back to work last monday too after almost three weeks off. It helped I guess, but I hate feeling too normal. I don't want to wallow in depression (of do I?) but I need to keep honouring his memory. I've been telling the baby already how I'm going to tell him all about his Grandad. In a way it's been harder this past week as Mum has gone back home so I am free to cry whenever I want now - no more stiff upper lip. I keep hoping for some kind of sign to show that somehow, someway life goes on - and that Dad's big personality still lives on. I haven't had anything so far - but I'm still hopeful. A lot of people I know believe in the afterlife in several formats - I still don't know what I really believe.

Regarding Bumpy, he has continued to grow, he's moving up and causing my belly button to shallow out. Still I don't really look any different. My top podge is quite hard and sticks out a bit more. My bottom podge just hangs around as usual. I can still wear all of my old clothes - even my jeans with an elastic band around the buttonhole. After everything that's happened its the least of my worries, and I've accepted that I will probably never look pregnant. It is embarrassing though when people don't realise. There is a girl at work who is about 14 weeks and she has a lovely litte bump already. I just look fatter.

I need to get my head around all the final bits and pieces that I need for the nursery. Luckily friends and family have been very generous already with clothes and toiletries. The furniture and basic decor of the nursery is finished now. The cot bed is arriving next week and the pram arrived a couple weeks ago so I have all the big stuff. Here's a photo of the clothes we have already -

Here are my measurements for the week -

Bust - 53 inches (+1.5)

Waist - 50 inches (-0.5)

Hips - 57 inches (no change)

Weight - +1.3kg

Symptoms

• back ache
• leg cramps during the night
• sharp pain in the night if I try and flip over too quickly
• still gagging in the morning and bringing up alot of phlegm (TMI)

I had a visit to the Healthy Eating Midwife last week and although for some reason I was a little heavier during the week than I was today she was still happy with my weight gain. My blood pressure was low (104/60) but she seemed more than happy with my progress.

And now for the weekly shots - 

26 weeks side view

26 weeks plan view

12th June 2011 - 24 weeks

Well I didn't get round to blogging last Sunday. Dad passed away that morning. He went downhill so very fast. He was taken into the Hospice on Wednesday, his morphine was trebled and he slowly drifted away from us. Still in some kind of shock I guess. Although in some way we had already started to grieve for him before he died, but we could still talk to him, still hold his warm hands, still kiss him. Now we can't.

It's so painful knowing he is no longer with us, and I don't know what happens to us when we die. I'd like to think that in some way we live on but at the moment all I feel is emptiness.

My husband and I told Dad the baby's name on Wednesday - he said he liked it. It was probably the last conversation we had with him as he became so weak and sleepy. I needed him to know his name, but worried that Dad would know he was near the end when we told him. But I'm sure he knew anyway. My Dad was so loud and had such presence, it's weird thinking that no longer exists.

A few years ago I gave him a pocket watch, which he loved. I asked Mum if I could have this back so I could give to my son. Dad would have wanted that. The funeral is next Thursday. Just hope I have the strength to get through it. The worst feeling at the moment is worrying about my Mum. Her and Dad spent all of their time together. She relied on him for so much. She doesn't know what to live for now and it seems as if my sister children or my new baby are not enough for her.

I want to look after her and keep her as happy and stress free as possible, at least until the first raw weeks are over. But it's hard as she is feeling so low and doesn't always consider how my sister and I are feeling too. But Dad would be so worried about her and would want us to take care of her. The poor bump has been severely overlooked the past few weeks, but his increasing kicks and nudges serve to remind me of his presence.

I need to make sure he is ok too, I worry that all my stress will affect him. I've been trying to eat normally too and keep up with the vitamins etc. But don't feel like I have much of a routine at the moment. The nursery is looking good, the new wardrobes are fantastic and the whole room has a really lovely feel to it. The pram (Quinny Buzz 3 Natural Mavis) arrived on Friday, I ignored superstition and brought it into the house for the hubby to put together. It is such a lovely looking pram. The cot has been ordered too - not sure if I mentioned this already. Forgive me if I am repeating myself. Can't say I'm feeling as on the ball as usual.

Anyway, trying to get some normality back into my life at the moment so have made myself blog tonight-

Here are my measurements for the week -

Bust - 51.5 inches (no change)

Waist - 50.5 inches (+ 1)

Hips - 57 inches (no change)

Weight - +0.1kg

Symptoms

• back spasm when I sit or lay down for too long
• leg cramps during the night
• still gagging in the morning when I clean my teeth or cough!

And now for the weekly shots - 

24 weeks side view

24 weeks plan view