26th June 2011 - 26 weeks

We gave Dad a good send off. It was a humanist cremation. He had a beautiful bamboo coffin and the grandchildren "bought" him a beautiful spray of all his favourite things for the top. Gunnera leaves, phormiums, thistles, grasses and all topped off by golden delicious apples. His favourite - he would eat as many of these as Mum would let him. Unfortunately the old adage of "an apple a day . . ." didn't really help Dad in the end - but he loved them anyway.

I went back to work last monday too after almost three weeks off. It helped I guess, but I hate feeling too normal. I don't want to wallow in depression (of do I?) but I need to keep honouring his memory. I've been telling the baby already how I'm going to tell him all about his Grandad. In a way it's been harder this past week as Mum has gone back home so I am free to cry whenever I want now - no more stiff upper lip. I keep hoping for some kind of sign to show that somehow, someway life goes on - and that Dad's big personality still lives on. I haven't had anything so far - but I'm still hopeful. A lot of people I know believe in the afterlife in several formats - I still don't know what I really believe.

Regarding Bumpy, he has continued to grow, he's moving up and causing my belly button to shallow out. Still I don't really look any different. My top podge is quite hard and sticks out a bit more. My bottom podge just hangs around as usual. I can still wear all of my old clothes - even my jeans with an elastic band around the buttonhole. After everything that's happened its the least of my worries, and I've accepted that I will probably never look pregnant. It is embarrassing though when people don't realise. There is a girl at work who is about 14 weeks and she has a lovely litte bump already. I just look fatter.

I need to get my head around all the final bits and pieces that I need for the nursery. Luckily friends and family have been very generous already with clothes and toiletries. The furniture and basic decor of the nursery is finished now. The cot bed is arriving next week and the pram arrived a couple weeks ago so I have all the big stuff. Here's a photo of the clothes we have already -

Here are my measurements for the week -

Bust - 53 inches (+1.5)

Waist - 50 inches (-0.5)

Hips - 57 inches (no change)

Weight - +1.3kg

Symptoms

• back ache
• leg cramps during the night
• sharp pain in the night if I try and flip over too quickly
• still gagging in the morning and bringing up alot of phlegm (TMI)

I had a visit to the Healthy Eating Midwife last week and although for some reason I was a little heavier during the week than I was today she was still happy with my weight gain. My blood pressure was low (104/60) but she seemed more than happy with my progress.

And now for the weekly shots - 

26 weeks side view

26 weeks plan view

12th June 2011 - 24 weeks

Well I didn't get round to blogging last Sunday. Dad passed away that morning. He went downhill so very fast. He was taken into the Hospice on Wednesday, his morphine was trebled and he slowly drifted away from us. Still in some kind of shock I guess. Although in some way we had already started to grieve for him before he died, but we could still talk to him, still hold his warm hands, still kiss him. Now we can't.

It's so painful knowing he is no longer with us, and I don't know what happens to us when we die. I'd like to think that in some way we live on but at the moment all I feel is emptiness.

My husband and I told Dad the baby's name on Wednesday - he said he liked it. It was probably the last conversation we had with him as he became so weak and sleepy. I needed him to know his name, but worried that Dad would know he was near the end when we told him. But I'm sure he knew anyway. My Dad was so loud and had such presence, it's weird thinking that no longer exists.

A few years ago I gave him a pocket watch, which he loved. I asked Mum if I could have this back so I could give to my son. Dad would have wanted that. The funeral is next Thursday. Just hope I have the strength to get through it. The worst feeling at the moment is worrying about my Mum. Her and Dad spent all of their time together. She relied on him for so much. She doesn't know what to live for now and it seems as if my sister children or my new baby are not enough for her.

I want to look after her and keep her as happy and stress free as possible, at least until the first raw weeks are over. But it's hard as she is feeling so low and doesn't always consider how my sister and I are feeling too. But Dad would be so worried about her and would want us to take care of her. The poor bump has been severely overlooked the past few weeks, but his increasing kicks and nudges serve to remind me of his presence.

I need to make sure he is ok too, I worry that all my stress will affect him. I've been trying to eat normally too and keep up with the vitamins etc. But don't feel like I have much of a routine at the moment. The nursery is looking good, the new wardrobes are fantastic and the whole room has a really lovely feel to it. The pram (Quinny Buzz 3 Natural Mavis) arrived on Friday, I ignored superstition and brought it into the house for the hubby to put together. It is such a lovely looking pram. The cot has been ordered too - not sure if I mentioned this already. Forgive me if I am repeating myself. Can't say I'm feeling as on the ball as usual.

Anyway, trying to get some normality back into my life at the moment so have made myself blog tonight-

Here are my measurements for the week -

Bust - 51.5 inches (no change)

Waist - 50.5 inches (+ 1)

Hips - 57 inches (no change)

Weight - +0.1kg

Symptoms

• back spasm when I sit or lay down for too long
• leg cramps during the night
• still gagging in the morning when I clean my teeth or cough!

And now for the weekly shots - 

24 weeks side view

24 weeks plan view