It's so painful knowing he is no longer with us, and I don't know what happens to us when we die. I'd like to think that in some way we live on but at the moment all I feel is emptiness.
My husband and I told Dad the baby's name on Wednesday - he said he liked it. It was probably the last conversation we had with him as he became so weak and sleepy. I needed him to know his name, but worried that Dad would know he was near the end when we told him. But I'm sure he knew anyway. My Dad was so loud and had such presence, it's weird thinking that no longer exists.
A few years ago I gave him a pocket watch, which he loved. I asked Mum if I could have this back so I could give to my son. Dad would have wanted that. The funeral is next Thursday. Just hope I have the strength to get through it. The worst feeling at the moment is worrying about my Mum. Her and Dad spent all of their time together. She relied on him for so much. She doesn't know what to live for now and it seems as if my sister children or my new baby are not enough for her.
I want to look after her and keep her as happy and stress free as possible, at least until the first raw weeks are over. But it's hard as she is feeling so low and doesn't always consider how my sister and I are feeling too. But Dad would be so worried about her and would want us to take care of her. The poor bump has been severely overlooked the past few weeks, but his increasing kicks and nudges serve to remind me of his presence.
I need to make sure he is ok too, I worry that all my stress will affect him. I've been trying to eat normally too and keep up with the vitamins etc. But don't feel like I have much of a routine at the moment. The nursery is looking good, the new wardrobes are fantastic and the whole room has a really lovely feel to it. The pram (Quinny Buzz 3 Natural Mavis) arrived on Friday, I ignored superstition and brought it into the house for the hubby to put together. It is such a lovely looking pram. The cot has been ordered too - not sure if I mentioned this already. Forgive me if I am repeating myself. Can't say I'm feeling as on the ball as usual.
Anyway, trying to get some normality back into my life at the moment so have made myself blog tonight-
Here are my measurements for the week -
Bust - 51.5 inches (no change)
Waist - 50.5 inches (+ 1)
Hips - 57 inches (no change)
Weight - +0.1kg
- back spasm when I sit or lay down for too long
- leg cramps during the night
- still gagging in the morning when I clean my teeth or cough!