29th May 2011 - 22 weeks

Wasn't sure if I could be bothered to blog tonight. Spent most of the evening on the sofa feeling sorry for myself. Visited Dad this afternoon, he was having a bad day - which always leaves you feeling awful. They have decided not to give him chemo, it's too late for that. There are talks of him going into a hospice if they can stabilise him - but it's not looking good as they may not be able to stop him bleeding internally.

It's funny how quickly life can change, how one minute life is normal, life is fun. Then all of a sudden life is shit. I hate waking up now as reality is too painful. I had a couple days last week when I felt calm and strong, but now I feel weak and desolate again. It's so exhausting, physically and mentally. I keep trying to make sure I am looking after myself, taking water and healthy snacks with me to the hospital. One positive is that I'm getting plenty of exercise walking around the hospital.

I had another scan on Thursday to check the baby's face and heart - all was fine thankfully. But I still feel really detached from the whole pregnancy still. Ironically I feel there is some kind of symbiosis between me and my dad at the moment - we both have something growing in our tummy, one creating life, the other taking it away. We both throw up a lot, and have stomach and back ache. He was even on Fragmin also, just like I am. But my symptoms are much more bearable and for a good reason. His are caused by the cancer that is quickly shutting down his body.

I never thought this blog would end up being a cancer story, and apologies to those who would rather something more light hearted, but this is my life now. My worried about my appearance and hormones have paled into insignificance now, all I can think about is how my Dad won't be here to see my son. Its killing me .  . .

Back to normality - here are my measurements for the week -

Bust - 51.5 inches (-0.5)

Waist - 49.5 inches (-0.5)

Hips - 57 inches (+1.0)

Weight - -1.2kg

Symptoms

• constipation
• back ache
• aches very low down and all over my tummy like period pain
• leg cramps

And now for the weekly shots - 

22 weeks side view

22 weeks plan view

22nd May 2011 - 21 weeks

So after the hardest week of my life so far I am left feeling exhausted and fearful of how much harder things will become. Dad seems to be going downhill rapidly, we leave him some days wondering if this will be his last. It's so surreal as only 10 days ago he was himself, and now he is a weak, fragile, confused man, losing his pride, dignity and love of life.

There's no hope of a cure, we don't even know yet whether they will give him chemo. I know it's so easy t knock the NHS even though there are so many dedicated staff, but the system is appalling, chaotic and slow. There's no time for caring, or making people comfortable, important things are lost and forgotten. Results take forever and people can be left in pain for hours unnoticed. Disgraceful. If it wasn't for my Mum and my sister seeing him twice a day then I can only imagine how much worse it would be for him.

Everything else in my life has been put on hold, but the little boy in my tummy continues to grow, oblivious (hopefully) of the turmoil. I am trying to be strong for him and keep eating and drinking enough. I've certainly been getting some good exercise this week, which is good for both of us. He's really grown this week too, and I actually feel like I have a proper bump - even if it is hidden in my podge still when I sit up.

I have another scan this Thursday to get a better view of things. God I hope everything is ok, I wouldn't be able to cope with anything else at the moment.

Here are my measurements for the week -

Bust - 52 inches (+0.5)

Waist - 50 inches (+0.5)

Hips - 56 inches (no change)

Weight - +0.6kg

Symptoms

• constipation
• back ache
• aches very low down
• leg cramps

And now for the weekly shots - 

21 weeks plan view

21 weeks side view

15th May 2011 - 20 weeks

Unfortunately this has been the worst week of my life so far.

Totally unrelated to the baby. In fact we found out this week at my 20 week scan that we are having a little boy! I admit I was disappointed that he wasn't a girl, but as we had been referring to him as a he all this time it just seemed right. 

The bad news is that we have discovered that my Dad has cancer. He's been unwell for a little while but has mostly suffered in silence, until when he finally admitted that he needed treatment. They were in Spain when this happened and were told to come home immediately. Which they did and the night they arrived home he was rushed to hospital again. We have been told that he has pancreatic cancer which has spread to his liver. It doesn't look good, we are all completely devastated. I don't even think he will make it to see the baby born. I've been crying almost constantly and feel so sorry for him, my mum and my sister. I know that most of us have to go through the death of their parents at some point in life, but it seems like the wrong time. I don't know if I'm mentally strong enough to cope with this at the moment. I'm trying to keep busy as this helps but it's all I can think about from the moment I wake up until I go to sleep.

Sorry for the depressing post this week.

Here are my measurements for the week -

Bust - 51.5 inches (+0.5)

Waist - 49.5 inches (+1)

Hips - 56 inches (no change)

Weight - -0.8kg

Symptoms

• constipation
• back ache
• aches very low down

And now for the weekly shots - 

20 weeks side view

20 weeks plan view

8th May 2011 - 19 weeks

The biggest joy of pregnancy this week has had to be the c word - constipation!! Please excuse the toilet talk but having read previously how this can be an issue I have now discovered it for myself. To be honest I'm not the most dynamic person in the bowel area but this has always been easily remedied with extra fluids. But even with the extra fluids, lots of fruit and high fibre diet I'm still getting bunged up.

I had already bought some Fybogel in readiness and had to use two sachets this week. I may have to see if there is anything else I can do thats safe for the baby as I found the whole ordeal very stressful!

I've had a lot of backache this week and find myself feeling very uncomfortable in bed. I'm now on my fourth pillow configuration, I've tried a specialist memory foam maternity pillow - too heavy, a memory foam head pillow - wrong shape, a large throw cushion - too thick and hot and now I am onto my own creation of a cuddle cushion - or sleep sausage as I like to call it! All it is, is a single duvet (with cover) rolled up and kept in place in several places with ribbon - not very sophisticated but it means I can wrap my leg over it, cuddle it and not squash my tummy all at the same time. It's also light enough so I can hold onto it when I change sides. Although I'm really trying not to sleep on my right side as this really aggravates my right hip.

I worry that I may never have a decent nights sleep again as the discomfort will only worsen and once the baby arrives I'm sure the nights will never be peaceful again! I'm feeling sorry for myself - can you tell?

Three days now until my "20 week" scan. Really need to see the baby and to make things as little more real again. I'm worrying at the moment that I can't feel them move enough - but the subtle fluttery bubbling feeling I have is so subtle I'm still not 100% sure that it is the baby I am feeling. I'm hoping too that we can get a definite answer on whether this is a girl or a boy. I really need to know. Once I can put a name to the bump (or should I say bulge) then I can start to come to terms with the reality of being someones mum!

Here are my measurements for the week -

Bust - 51 inches (-0.5)

Waist - 48.5 inches (no change)

Hips - 56 inches (no change)

Weight - +0.4kg

Hoping this isn't the start of the weight gain!! But still don't look any different!! All that's happening is my top podge is getting a little bigger and firmer as my internal organs are being squished up - but Bumpy (now to be know as Bulgey) is still nestled in my podge!! Come out and give a proper round bump!!

Symptoms

• severe constipation
• back ache
• crazy dreams
• worrying

And now for the weekly shots - 

19 weeks side view

19 weeks plan view

1st May 2011 - 18 weeks

Time really is flying by now. I still can't believe that in four months now I'll have a little person to look after. We had a trial run this weekend looking after my sisters two children who are four and 16 months. Having to look after two children, one of which is an energetic four year old was exhausting and really made it hit home how much of a full time job it is. I've learnt that by being prepared and having a routine helps, so does being patient. I do worry about getting stressed, not just at the baby but at my husband who hasn't quite grasped the practical side of parenting and will happily let a baby sit in full sun without sun cream, hat, water or shade!! He still thought that I was making a fuss!

I still think I will stick at one child, I don't know if I could cope with two - especially if there wasn't much of an age gap. This weekend also made me realise that I can no longer be lazy, or think about myself first. That's going to tough for me as I'm so used to getting my own way!

We've ordered the car seat already as I was worried as it seemed to be going out of stock everywhere. But I am still nervous about buying too much. I know that buying things won't make something bad happen but a part of me still expects the worst. I guess that's normal, and I do need to be in some way realistic. There have been so many other women on the Babycentre forums that have miscarried, some further along than me. I know that even if everything goes well I will still be worrying once they are here!

I've been really emotional again this week, I've cried about 5 times every day - I only need to read something sad, or see something tragic on tv then I'm off! I even cried watching the Royal Wedding (although I suspect I won't be the only one!) I've also had very little patience with the husband, who at times is fantastic and lovely, but at other times is pig headed and extremely annoying. Now I'm trying to keep a level head, and hate to be called emotional (even if that's what I'm being) but I'm finding it so hard to bite my tongue at the moment! I can see several more arguments ahead!!

Anyway, that's enough whinging for now, here are my measurements for the week -

Bust - 51.5 inches (no change)
Waist - 48.5 inches (-0.5)
Hips - 56 inches (+0.5)
Weight - -0.4kg

Lost a little weight, strange considering I had a lot more chocolate than usual as it was Easter!

Symptoms

• even more emotional and irritable
• lack of motivation
• back ache

And now for the weekly shots - still don't look any different!!!

18 weeks side view

18 weeks plan view