It's four weeks today since Dad died. Feels longer in some ways. Some days I feel so desperately distraught and pained by him not being here any more. I feel guilty if I temporarily forget, this has happened a few times at work, the worst place to get upset. People don't really know what to say to me. And those who have never lost anyone probably think I must be over it by now. I want the world to stop and mourn for my Dad, but it won't and I can't.
My whole life is so different now. It was overwhelming enough preparing for having a baby, but to lose my dad before he's even had the chance to see my son has torn my world apart. I worry that I will associate the baby with loss and sadness. If I'm totally honest I'm still struggling to come to terms with him being a boy as I had dreamt of having a girl and can't imagine what its like to look after a boy. I'm finding it really hard to get excited about the baby. It still doesn't seem real, even when I can feel him kicking, which is a lot now. I worry that I may have some sort of prenatal depression. Or maybe I'm just a bad person? I don't know what to think - I can't talk to anyone about this as they'll think badly of me - as I would too. How can anyone not be excited about their first baby? A baby that was planned?!
Maybe it's hormones on top of my grief. It doesn't help that the day I found out he was a boy was the day Dad was rushed to hospital and I realised he was really ill. I need to separate the two. I can't associate my little boy with the tragedy. I need to see it as the positive event that it is.
Back to the subject of this blog - being Pregnant and Plus Size. I still don't look pregnant. I just look fatter. I'm trying to dress to look pregnant, but it's tricky as I have such an obvious B shaped belly. Pregnant women aren't supposed to have a waist - but I do. I can't ever see my stomach turning into a bump - one thing I was really looking forward to. I also worry that the baby might not be growing enough as my weight is staying around the same and I haven't increased a lot in inches. When I look at photos online of other women at the same stage as me they have massive bumps. Even with my bump hiding in my flubber it's nowhere near as large. I have my 28 week scan next week - so hope this puts my mind at rest.
The cot bed arrives tomorrow - hopefully. This will help make the baby's room look like a proper nursery. I have lots of fabric now to make things with so this should help get me into the baby mindset. Will post more photos soon.
Here are my measurements for the week -
Bust - 53.5 inches (+0.5)
Waist - 50.5 inches (+0.5)
Hips - 57 inches (no change)
Weight - +0.5kg
- same as last week -
- back ache
- leg cramps during the night
- sharp pain in the night if I try and flip over too quickly
- still gagging in the morning and bringing up a lot of phlegm (TMI)